My first trimester of pregnancy, following so much loss.
Infertility, pregnancy loss, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages. These are all things my husband and I didn't really chat about, outside our four walls.
It was sometimes mentioned to the odd family member or friend, but not often in comparison to the struggle we endured. It was a silent issue we felt we had to keep private, for whatever unknown reason.
Even our own parents only knew some of our loss.
So when I saw those two bright lines on a quiet Thursday Afternoon I was completely shocked, scared, overwhelmed, and bloody excited for my husband to come home!
I had been feeling off for a few weeks, often referring to the feeling of fullness quietly to my husband. I had an inkling it could be what we hoped, but after countless faint lines that disappeared into nothing, and a previous miscarriage I couldn't bear to relive, I put off testing for weeks. If I had conceived when I ovulated, I predicted I would be 6 weeks, which was the furthest we had ever got to.
So I tested. Alone at home, so when it was negative I didn't have to break it to my husband. But there was just no denying that positive line. No squinting was needed. No holding it to the light to see it. It was the most positive we had ever seen, and my husband, who often didn't want to get ahead of himself, couldn't stop smiling.
We had done it!
The fear quickly set in of it not being what we expected. We rallied around to tell our parents and siblings so we had the support should it come crashing down again. Within a few days, we had a private scan booked to see if it was all real.
That was the most surreal moment. To see it all there and being told for the first time it's a viable pregnancy put us on top of the world! We left elated and clutching our pea in black and white.
The following 6weeks + 5days in between our private scan and our first NHS scan were long. I experienced brown discharge within a few days of our private scan and naturally, I went into panic mode. I was preparing myself for the worst and expected nothing less. I had a scan at 8weeks +1 and thankfully all was well - we even got to hear the heartbeat!
There were suddenly lots of midwife appointments and a heck of a lot of sickness. I really couldn't deny pregnancy. I was off my food, and suffering from migraines a lot. I was endlessly tired, and was often napping between work and dinner, and heading to bed at 9pm!
I found with every symptom, however it made me feel, I loved. I secretly loved being off Fajitas, and Chicken and not being able to stomach pasta! I saw it as a sign of everything going in the right direction. So when things settled just before my 12-week scan, I went back into panic mode.
For our 12-week scan, we headed to the same place I went to back in 2020 on my own. The same sonograph room where I had been told I had miscarried. We both felt sick with worry and nervous about how the day would pan out. Had we made it to the magic 12 weeks?
To our delight, everything was fantastic! The little pea wasn't soo little anymore and we could finally make out arms and legs. We could see the blood flow between the umbilical cord.
Our little pea was all curled up, so I did have to do a fair few star jumps to get it unbunched for its measurements - But I wasn't complaining!
Once again, we left on cloud nine! Clutching a stream of black and white images of our little pea! I had been dated further along than expected and we were on the cusp of 13 weeks and the second trimester! We were finally feeling what those expectant mothers felt last year when I observed through tear full eyes after our loss. And it just didn't feel real!